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第23章超越恐惧BeyondFear
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佚名Anonymous
&oldlastyearthatmy2-year-oldsonhadahreatenedhislife，Itriedtostrikeabargainwithfate—Iwoulddoanything，Iwouldtrademyoldlifeaway，ifonlyhewouldgetbetter.Welearoursohsoftreatment，maybeevenayear，beforewhetherhewouldreyhusbandaoadeadeningroutithehospital，theathometobewithhter，thenrightbacktothehospital.Thedaysandnightswereablurofmedicalreports.Fearanddespairengulfedme.
Iwatothersatthehospital.Isawthemotherofthechildwithcysticfibrosisfaithfullyadministerphysicaltherapy，hearihump-thump-thumpasshepouhechild'schest.Hereffortsincluedamixofdedi，hopeandpaihemotherwhoseinfanttwinsbothhaddwhomaowritethank-youhehebabies'manyhospitalizations.
IworriedthatIotliveuptothesemothers'heroisTheydidwhatgoodmothersaresupposedtodo，whatmothersofsickhavetodo，andwhatIshoulddo，too.ButIdidnotfeelselfless，thewaythoseothermothersseemedtofeel.Iwasashamedtoadmitit，butmihmyterrrief.Afterthefirstthreeweeks，werealizedwewereoofamarathon.ThefriendswhokedtellingmeIshouldgobacktowork.Itwouldbegetabreak，theysaid.Iresisted.Goodmothers，Ithought，donotabandontheirsickforwork.Yetwhenmyson'sdoehethoughtitwouldbefiheailhisassessments，Itoremyselfa>
Iotworkanormalschedule—farfromit.Butasthemonthsofmyson'streatmentdraggedon，hewasabletostayoutofthehospitalferperiods.MyhusbandandIstilltookturienticoratthehospital.Iwasluckythatmyfamilyandmybabysittercouldalsorelievemesothatmysonwasneveralone.
&illloIodrtobewithhiButtomysurprise，IfoundthatgoingtoworkwhenIcouldeasemysenseofhelplessness.Icouldbedistracted:therewerephoneddeadlinesandarhythmtobesweptinto.Icouldbeinething.
&yatfirstaboutthesolawork.Iofteheothermhtofme—takingmyworkclothestothehospital，shis'stallafteralongnightinwhichwe'dheardthecriesofallour.
&ually，Irealizedthatgettingawaywasgoodnotoformysonanddaughter.Whenmysonfirstbecamesick，thedoeIhadtforhiIotshowfear.SomehowIalsohadtofideomydaughter，tohelpherehadbefallenus.
AlthoughIfearedthatwhtbeselfish，Icouldseethatitactuallyseemedreassuringtomy，asignthatweeurntoourroutines.ledgethatlifecouldgoon.Itwasastatementofhope.
On，asIhadsooftenrealizedsinceIhadbeother，Iuoodhowdangerousarethe“shoulds”
ofmotherhood，howdestructiveissociety'sinsistewaytobeagoodmother.Toomaellusthatgoodmothersdonotabandontheirtobabysitters.Goodmothersprovetheirdevotionbyheir.Yetsuchrulesighatmothersarenotallalike，thattherearemanywaystogivewhattheyneedaherulestellmothershowtoactwithouttakingintoaothersfeelandhowthosefeelingswillaffecttheir.
IfIhadfollowedtherules，Iwouldhavesuccumbedtoterrorandfailedmy.Ihisordealeasedmyguiltaboutleavingmyson'ssideattimes.IrealizedthatI，likemanyotherswhocareforsickpeople，neededsomewhereelsetogoonawhiletodrawbreathandfindmeaurningtothew.Forme，myjoblace.Fhtbesomeplaceelse.
Mysnow，butIamstilltooclosetohisillouandfullywhatlessonsI，whatmeaningIwrest，fromthisexperience.AllIsayisthatwwhenmychildwassosickmightlfromtheoutside，butontheihelpedkeepmesane.Igrewlessiheothermothers.IallowedmyselftoseethatIwased.Wewereallgforour，eaouro>
去年，当我得知两岁的儿子患了一种危及生命的疾病时，我努力跟命运抗争——只要他能好起来，我做什么都可以，甚至可以拿我的生命来做交换。
我们得知儿子需要几个月，甚至是一年的治疗，才能确定他是否有康复的可能后，我和丈夫陷入了一种死气沉沉的固定生活模式中：第一天晚上待在医院，第二天晚上在家陪女儿，然后又待在医院。
就这样日日夜夜被治疗报告包围着。
恐惧和绝望简直要把我吞没了。
我观察过医院里的其他母亲。
一个孩子患了囊性纤维变性，他母亲竭尽全力地协助他接受理疗，连续敲打孩子胸部，去听“砰砰”
的声音。
她的努力中饱含着奉献、希望和痛苦。
还有一位很值得同情的母亲，她的一对双胞胎婴儿患了癌症，她却在孩子们多次治疗之后还能强忍着悲痛给护士们写感谢信。
我担心自己可能不会像这些母亲一样坚强。
她们所做的正是一位称职的母亲该做的，也是子女患了病的母亲不得不做的，也是我应该做的。
但我并没有像其他母亲那样无私奉献。
我很惭愧地承认这一点，同时感到异常的恐惧和悲伤。
三周过后，我们意识到这仅仅是一场马拉松赛的开始。
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