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失望之下,他便吼了起来:“你们谁坐下来和我打?”
没人回应。
第二天,人们都开玩笑说,还是头一次看到这种情形,比赛还没开始,拳击手就被劝服输。
如今,我知道,有些事情是父亲通过我——他唯一的儿子来参与的。
我打球时——虽然我的球技很差,他也在“打球”
。
我参加海军时,他也“参加”
。
我休假在家时,他会让我去他办公室。
在向同事介绍我时,他认认真真地说:“这是我儿子,也是我自己,假如事实不是这样的话,我也会像他一样做那些事情。”
这些言语,他以前从未说出来过。
父亲虽已逝世多年,但我仍会时常想起他。
不知他是否感觉到我和他在一起时,曾是那么不愿意被人看到。
如果他知道那一切,我现在会感到非常遗憾,因为我从没告诉过他我是如此愧疚和悔恨,我是不孝的。
每当我为琐事烦扰而怨天尤人时,为别人的红运当头而心怀妒忌时,为自己缺乏“善心”
而自责时,我就会不由自主地想起父亲。
那时,我就会挽着他的胳膊,保持我的身体平衡,并说:“你走你的,我会尽量跟上你。”
ingup,Iwasembarrassedtobeseenwithmyfather.Hewasseverelycrippleda,aogether,hishandonmyarmforbalaare.Iwouldinwardlysquirmattheuioicedorwasbothered,heon.
Itwasdifficulttoateoursteps—hishaltiient—a,wedidn’tsaymuchaswewentalong.Butaswestartedout,healwayssaid,“Yousetthepace.Iwilltrytoadjusttoyou.”
Ourusualwalkwastoorfromthesubashowhegottoorksiddespiteher.Healmostnevermissedaday,andwouldmakeittotheoffiifothersatterofpride.
asontheground,itossibleforhimtowalk,evesuchtimesmysistersorIwouldpullhimthroughthestreetsofBrooklyn,NY,onachild’ssleightothesubwayehere,hewouldgtothehandrailuhelowerstepsthatthewarmertuniManhattanthesubwaystatioofhisoffig,andhewouldogooutsideagaihiminBrooklyn’onhiswayhome.
&hinkofitnow,Imarvelathowmuchceitmusthavetakenfrownmahimselftosuityahowhedidit—withoutbitternessorplaint.
&alkedabouthimselfasay,nordidheshowahemorefortunateorable.Whathelookedforinoodheart”
,andifhefouheoodenoughforhi
NowthatIamolder,Ibelievethatisaproperstandardbywhichtojudgepeople,eventhoughIstilldon’tknowpreciselywhata“goodheart”
is.ButIkimesIdon’thaveonemyself.
Uoengageinmanyactivities,myfatherstilltriedtopartisomeway.Whenalodlotbaseballteamfouhoutamagoing.HewasaknowledgeablebaseballfaookmetoEbbetsFieldtoseetheBrooklynDodgersplay.Helikedtogotodandparties,wherehecouldhaveagoodtimejustsittingandwatg.
Ononememorableoafightbrokeoutatabeachparty,witheveryonepundshovittositandwatch,buthe’tstahesoftsand.Infrustratiooshout,“I’llfightanyonewhowillsitdownwithme!”
Nobodydid.Butthedaypeoplekiddedhimbysayingitwasthefirsttimeanyfighterwasurgedtotakeadiveevebegan.
Inowkisomethingsvicarihme,hisonlyson.WhenIplayedball(poorly),he“played”
too.Wheheoo.AndwhenIeooitthatIvisitedhisoffie,hewasreallysaying,“Thisismyson,butitisalsome,andIcouldhavedooo,ifthingshadbeehosewordswereneversaidaloud.
Hehasbeengonemanyyearsnow,butIthinkofhimoften.Iwonderifheseahhimduringourwalks.Ifhedid,IamsorryIoldhimhowsorryIorthyIwas,hrettedit.IthinkofhimwhenIplainabouttrifles,whenIamenviousoodfortuhavea“goodheart”
.
AtsuchtimesIputmyhandainmybalandsay,“yousetthepace,Iwilltrytoadjusttoyou.”
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