畅想小说网

第13章 梦中儿女(第3页)

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当我由于疼痛不能走路,也就是跛脚的时候,年长于我的伯父便常常背着我走上数英里。

再后来,他也瘸了腿,而我恐怕在他烦躁、痛苦的时候,不能总是给他足够的照顾,也不能记起在我腿瘸时,他是怎样悉心呵护我的。

而当他死的时候,尽管只过了一个小时,我却觉得过了好久,这就是生与死的距离。

起初,我还能让自己平静地接受他的离去,但是后来,这种痛苦时时折磨着我。

尽管我没有像其他人那样伤心落泪,幻想自己可以代替他去死,但是我整日整夜地思念他,直到那时我才知道我多么爱他。

我想念他的善良,想念他的固执,希望他能活过来,再跟他吵吵架(因为我们有时会吵),而不想失去他。

失去他,我的不安就像他被大夫手术时一样令人痛苦。

——这时,孩子们哭了。

他们问他们身上的丧服是否是为约翰伯伯穿的。

他们抬着头,请求我不要再讲述有关伯伯的事情,而是谈谈他们已故的漂亮妈妈。

于是,我给孩子们讲道,在追求那个精灵般的女子七年的时间里,我时而充满希望,时而又失望不已,然而始终不渝。

我尽量以孩子们能理解的程度,向他们解释少女身上的羞怯、敏感与回绝——当我突然转向艾丽丝时,第一个艾丽丝的灵魂在小艾丽丝的眼里活生生地出现了,以至于我有些怀疑是谁站在我的面前。

而当我定睛看去时,两个孩子在我的视野中渐渐地变得模糊,越来越远,直到消失,只在最远的地方剩下哀伤的面孔。

尽管她们什么也没说,但我仿佛听到了他们的话:“我们不是艾丽丝的孩子,不是你的孩子,我们也不是孩子。

艾丽丝的孩子叫巴尔曼爸爸。

我们什么也不是,连梦幻都不是。

我们只是可能存在的人物,在真实存在之前,我们必须要遗忘河边苦苦等上数百万年,然后才有一个名字。”

——我突然惊醒,发现自己静静地坐在我的轮椅上。

原来,我在那里睡着了,忠诚的布里吉特还守在我身边,但是约翰(或者詹姆斯)永远失去了踪影。

lovetolistentostoriesabouttheirelders,whentheywere;tostretchtheirimaginatioionofatraditireat-u-aunt,whomtheywasinthisspiritthatmylittleomethetohearabrandmotherField,wholivedihouseinNorfolk(ahuimesbiggerthanthatinwhidpapalived)whichhadbeeleastitwasgenerallybelievedinthatpartofthetry—itswhichtheyhadlatelybeiliarwithfromtheballadoftheintheWood.itisthatthewholestoryoftheandtheirclewastobeseenfairlycarvedoutinwoodupontheey-pieceofthegreathall,thewholestorydowntotheRobiillafoolishripulleditdowupamarbleoionihnostoryuponit.HereAliceputoutoneofherdearmother'slooks,tooteobecalledupbraiding.

&ontosay,hiousandhowgrandmotherFieldwas,howbelovedaedbyeverybody,thoughshewashemistressofthisgreehadonlythechargeofit(aisshemightbesaidtobethemistressofittoo)ittedtoherbytheowner,whinanewerandmorefashionablemansionwhichhehadpurewhereintheadjoiningty;butstillshelivedinitinamannerasifithadbeenherotupthedignityofthegreathouseinasortwhileshelived,whichafterwardscametodedulleddown,andallitsoldorrippedaotheowner'sotherhouse,wheretheyweresetup,andlookedasawkwardasifsomeoocarryawaytheoldtombstheyhadseeheAbbey,andstickthemupinLadyC.'stawdrygiltdrawing-rooHereJohnsmiled,asmuchastosay,"thatwouldbefoolishi;Aoldhow,wheodie,herfuneralwasattendedbyacourseofallthepoor,ahegentrytoo,oftheneighborhoodformanymilesround,toshowtheirrespeory,becauseshehadbeensuchagiouswoman'sgoodishekhePsalterybyheart,aye,aoftheTestamentbesides.HerelittleAlicespreadherhands.

&oldright,gracefulpersrandmotherFieldondhowihshewasesteemedthebestdancer—hereAlice'slittlerightfootplayedaninvoluilluponmylookidesisted-thebestdancer,Iwassayiy,tillacrueldisease,calledacer,dbowedherdownwithpain;butiteverbendhergoodspirits,ormakethemstoop,buttheywerestillupright,becauseshewassogious.ThenItoldhowshewasusedtosleepbyherselfinalohegreatlonehouse;andhowshebelievedthatanapparitionoftwoinfantswastobeseenatmidnightglidingupanddowairearwheresheslept,butshesaid"Thoseiswoulddohernoharm;"andhhteobe,thoughinthosedaysIhadmymaidtosleepwithme,becauseIwasneverhalfsiousasshe—aIheinfants.HereJohnexpandedallhiseyebrowsaoleous.

&oldhowgoodshewastrand-,havingustothegreathouseintheholidays,whereIinparticularusedtospendmanyhoursbymyself,ingazinguposoftheTwelveCaesars,thathadbeenEmperorsofRome,tilltheoldmarbleheadswouldseemtoliveagain,orItobeturomarblewiththem,howInevercouldbefiredwithroamingaboutthathugemansion,withitsvastemptymoms,withtheirworn-outhangings,flutteriryandcarvedoakehegildingalmostrubbedout—sometimesinthespaciousold-fashionedgardens,whichIhadalmosttomyself,unlesswhennowaarygardeningmanwoulde—aarinesandpeaguponthewalls,withoutmyevertopluckthem,becausetheywereforbiddenfruit,unlessnowandthen,—andbecauseIhadmorepleasureinstrollingaboutamongtheoldmelancholy-lookihefirs,andpiguptheredberries,andthefirapples,whichweregbuttolaboutuprass,withallthefinegardensmellsarintheery,tillIostfancymyselfripening,too;alongwiththeesandthelimesinthatgratefulwarmth—orinwatgthedacethatdartedtoandfrointhefishpoomofthegravehereagreatsulkypikehangingmidaterie,asifitmockedattheirimpertifrisking,—Ihadmorepleasureinthesebusy-idlediversionsthaniflavorsofpeaees,es,andsuonbaitsof.HereJohedbatheplateabunchofgrapes,whiobservedbyAlice,hehadmeditateddividingwithher,andbothseemedwillingtoreliheprese.

Theamhteoldhow,thrandmotherFieldlovedallhergrainanespeershemightbesaidtolovetheirunL.—,becausehewassohandsomeah,andakiofus;and,insteadofmopingaboutinsolitaryers,likesomeofus,hewouldmoutlesomehorsehecouldget,hemselves,acarryhimhalfovertheam,andjoierswhentherewereanyout—aheoldgreathouseaoo,buthadtoomuchspirittobealentupwithiies—andhrewuptomaeasbraveashewashaheadmirationofeverybody,butrandmotherFieldmostespedhowheusedtocarrymeuponhisbaIwasalame—footedboy—forhewasagoodbitolderthanme—manyamilewhenIotain;—andhowinafterlifehebecamelame-footedtoo,andIdidnotalways(Ifear)makeallowanoughforhimatientandinpain,norremembersuffitlyhowsideratehehadbeentomewhenIwaslame-footed;andhowwhehoughhehadnotbeendeadanhour,itseemedasifhehaddiedagreatwhileago,suchadistawixtlifeah;andhowIborehisdeathaskthoughtprettywellatfirst,butafterwardsithauntedandhauhoughIdidnotcryortakeittoheartassomedo,andasIthinkhewouldhavedoneifIhaddied,yetImissedhimalldaylong,aillthenhowmuchIhadlovedhim,Imissedhiskindness,andImissedhisess,aobealiveagain,twithhim(forwequarreledsometimes),ratherthannothavehimagain,andwasasuhouthim,ashetheirpooruhavebeeookoffhislimbo.Herethefelladaskediftheirlittlemwhichtheyhadonwasnotforun,andtheylookedup,atogoonabouttheiruotellthemsomestoriesabouttheirprettydeadmother.

&oldhowforsevenlongyears,iimes,sometimesindespair,yetpersistingever,IcourtedthefairAlid,asmuchasderstand,Iexplaiess,anddiffiddeinmadness—wheurningtoAlice,thesoulofthefirstAlicelookedoutathereyeswithsucharealityofrepreseIbedoubtwhistoodtherebeforeme,orwhosethatbrighthairwas;aoodgazing,boththegraduallygrewfaiomyview,redstillreg,fillnothingatlastbuttwomourureswereseeermostdistance,which,withoutspeegelyimpresseduposofspeech:"WearenotofAliorofthee,norareweatall.TheofAlicecallBarmanfather.Wearenothihannothing,anddreams.Weareonlywhatmighthavebeen,andmustoediousshoresofLethemillionsofagesbeforewehaveexistenda;aelyawaking,Ifoulyseatedinmybachair,whereIhadfallehefaithfulBridgetungedbymyside—butJohnL.(orJamesElia)wasgoneforever.

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